Hopefully this will be the first and only blog post of mine where I will actually write something very personal about me, but there are some things I need to get off of my chest. So like my brother from another always says it's time for a really honest moment, so please forgive any grammatical errors harsh words or dark tone of this entry, but bear with me just this one time.....but really a nigga is feeling broken right now (yea I said nigga fuck it sue me *shrugs*)
Every time I feel like I hit the bottom, and that I'm gonna bounce back something happens that makes me realize that I'm not even close to bottom yet. I'm having one of those moments now I feel like I have hit bottom and I'm going to bounce back. Or maybe not, maybe there is still room for me to fall. I remember being cocky and arrogant when I was younger, always believing that no matter what happens I'll always figure out a way to be on top and get what I want. Boy has that changed, I used to think I was the shit I was a catch and anybody that had me was lucky to have me. I was young intelligent, I had a degree my own crib a job my own car, I wasn't rich by any means but I had enough money. I didn't have any kids, I was handsome I had style, was well kept always a fresh haircut nice clothes. I just knew I was the shit, not anymore though. A series of bad decisions followed by bad luck a nice good swift life kick in the balls cleared all that out of me. Brought my cocky arrogant ass right back down to earth.
Now I barely got a pot to piss in, and I honestly ask myself why the fuck would anybody want me. What the fuck do I have to offer anybody? I've got good friends people who I believe genuinely love me but I have no fucking clue why they do. I hope they know that I would give them the shirt off my back if they ever needed it,and they wouldn't even have to ask for it, unfortunately though I don't have a shirt to give them. My bad decisions have shattered my confidence in myself to the point where I question every choice I make. I wince and just wait for the kidney shot, like a battered dog anytime some one tries to pet me. Occasionally I snap at a hand that tries to help me, and the ones that I do allow to help I have no idea or reasonable means to at the very least pay back the help. I'm angry and grumpy most days, the others I'm just sad and slightly depressed. I get so lost in my thoughts that sometimes I wonder where the last hour went. I get lost in music in my ipod sometimes that I completely zone out to where it's almost like I'm in a dream like state. It's weird and scary.
I'm always thinking the worst of myself and I expect everyone else to think the same. I don't understand how any woman could possibly be happy with a miserable prick like myself, and I never blame them when they are unhappy or even expect them to be. My other brother told me the other day "man fuck that other bullshit, you got to fix yourself and that should be your number one goal". Yea.....is all I thought, but I don't know how I really don't see an out or a fix. I don't want to fight or defend myself half of the time I'm too drained to fight with anybody else because I spend so much time beating myself up. I don't know if anybody can relate I'm sure there are a few who can, but it sure feels like it's just me dealing with these things. Truthfully though I like it that way.
I like it that way because despite it all I always have a small glimmer of hope that I'll get it right. That I'll be more successful than as big of a failure as I am now. (does that even make sense? fuck it, it makes sense to me) I want it that way because I know it will feel better when i stand up and say yea I was fucked up but you know what I went through that it made me tough and I beat it, I'm strong. Really that one thought is the only thought that keeps me from doing something really dumb, crazy, or selfish. So there are times when I like being by myself or left alone, don't take it personal. It's not anything against you I'm not being distant I'm just usually lost in my thoughts digging at the ground trying to figure out if there is more bottom left to go or if I can stand up and make my climb back up the mountain. Or I'm just beating myself up and I don't want you to see my weakness, sorry just give me my time and space know I love you and I'll shake myself out of it. Because my pops raised me strong, he raised me tough , he did it by himself and he raised me fucking right. And I'll be damned if I let him down or make a fool out of him, or let anyone else for that matter.
'Cuz we'd be so free/ happy alone/ sharing a smile/so far from home/and we would laugh/laugh til we cried/making up songs/and making me lie....happy alone
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