More Bottom Left to Go

Hopefully this will be the first and only blog post of mine where I will actually write something very personal about me, but there are some things I need to get off of my chest. So like my brother from another always says it's time for a really honest moment, so please forgive any grammatical errors harsh words or dark tone of this entry, but bear with me just this one time.....but really a nigga is feeling broken right now (yea I said nigga fuck it sue me *shrugs*)

Every time I feel like I hit the bottom, and that I'm gonna bounce back something happens that makes me realize that I'm not even close to bottom yet. I'm having one of those moments now I feel like I have hit bottom and I'm going to bounce back. Or maybe not, maybe there is still room for me to fall. I remember being cocky and arrogant when I was younger, always believing that no matter what happens I'll always figure out a way to be on top and get what I want. Boy has that changed, I used to think I was the shit I was a catch and anybody that had me was lucky to have me. I was young intelligent, I had a degree my own crib a job my own car, I wasn't rich by any means but I had enough money. I didn't have any kids, I was handsome I had style, was well kept always a fresh haircut nice clothes. I just knew I was the shit, not anymore though. A series of bad decisions followed by bad luck a nice good swift life kick in the balls cleared all that out of me. Brought my cocky arrogant ass right back down to earth.

Now I barely got a pot to piss in, and I honestly ask myself why the fuck would anybody want me. What the fuck do I have to offer anybody? I've got good friends people who I believe genuinely love me but I have no fucking clue why they do. I hope they know that I would give them the shirt off my back if they ever needed it,and they wouldn't even have to ask for it, unfortunately though I don't have a shirt to give them. My bad decisions have shattered my confidence in myself to the point where I question every choice I make. I wince and just wait for the kidney shot, like a battered dog anytime some one tries to pet me. Occasionally I snap at a hand that tries to help me, and the ones that I do allow to help I have no idea or reasonable means to at the very least pay back the help. I'm angry and grumpy most days, the others I'm just sad and slightly depressed. I get so lost in my thoughts that sometimes I wonder where the last hour went. I get lost in music in my ipod sometimes that I completely zone out to where it's almost like I'm in a dream like state. It's weird and scary.

I'm always thinking the worst of myself and I expect everyone else to think the same. I don't understand how any woman could possibly be happy with a miserable prick like myself, and I never blame them when they are unhappy or even expect them to be. My other brother told me the other day "man fuck that other bullshit, you got to fix yourself and that should be your number one goal". Yea.....is all I thought, but I don't know how I really don't see an out or a fix. I don't want to fight or defend myself half of the time I'm too drained to fight with anybody else because I spend so much time beating myself up. I don't know if anybody can relate I'm sure there are a few who can, but it sure feels like it's just me dealing with these things. Truthfully though I like it that way.

I like it that way because despite it all I always have a small glimmer of hope that I'll get it right. That I'll be more successful than as big of a failure as I am now. (does that even make sense? fuck it, it makes sense to me) I want it that way because I know it will feel better when i stand up and say yea I was fucked up but you know what I went through that it made me tough and I beat it, I'm strong. Really that one thought is the only thought that keeps me from doing something really dumb, crazy, or selfish. So there are times when I like being by myself or left alone, don't take it personal. It's not anything against you I'm not being distant I'm just usually lost in my thoughts digging at the ground trying to figure out if there is more bottom left to go or if I can stand up and make my climb back up the mountain. Or I'm just beating myself up and I don't want you to see my weakness, sorry just give me my time and space know I love you and I'll shake myself out of it. Because my pops raised me strong, he raised me tough , he did it by himself and he raised me fucking right. And I'll be damned if I let him down or make a fool out of him, or let anyone else for that matter.

'Cuz we'd be so free/ happy alone/ sharing a smile/so far from home/and we would laugh/laugh til we cried/making up songs/and making me lie....happy alone

Fantasy T.V.

So I'm just flipping through the channels the other day and I happen across a show on bravo (BRAVO!!! I say hell no!!) I think it's called million dollar decorators or something like that. Anyway the premise is a camera crew follows Gay men and Bitchy white women who are interior decorators for insanely rich white people. They spend money on 50,000 dollar rugs and 100,000 dollar beds for 20 million dollar homes and guest houses, that no one lives in for 9 months out of the year. The whole time I'm watching these glorified shoppers for rich people who are too lazy to shop for themselves, my facial expressions move from abject shock and repulsion to the "c'mon son" face(if you click on "c'mon son" there is a video there). I just can't believe this is considered legitimate entertainment.

Then I'm watching the commercials and it's advertisement for the "Real Housewives of who gives a fuck" some fake ass American idol type show more fashion shows and more shows about rich people. Then I'm looking at all the other Reality shows coming on T.V. like the Kardashians and all their ridiculous shows of people who seem to have no real value to the world and yet are insanely rich. Then there's the basketball wives who can you believe it are women who are NOT married to basketball players (I was flabbergasted when I found this out I know you were too) talk about false advertisement, some of these women have never been married to a basketball player (I'm looking at you Royce and your naps). Now don't get me wrong I don't have a problem with all the shows just the ones that's sole purpose it seems is to glorify decadence.

Listen I don't know if you guys are noticing or not but, America is fucked up, life is hard for a lot of people, and the idea that a show about buying furniture for a 20 million dollar house that the person will only stay in for 1 month out the year is good reality TV, really there is only one response to that.(a video there too)

Let me bore you with a few facts 1.4 million people have been unemployed for 99 weeks or longer, as of October 2010 4.04 million people are on emergency benefits, CEO's of the largest American companies make 531 times more than the average worker(for every dollar you make they make 531 of them, sounds like a good deal right?). Finally 16.6% eligible workers are either unemployed or underemployed (not working 40 hrs/wk).  I haven't even touched the housing situation, but you are all smart people and I know you see my point.

I know the argument is people just like to get away from their problems blah blah blah, great, sweet, go to the movies where the shit is fictional not passed off as real life. But watching a bunch of lazy ass rich women and their half assed problems about throwing parties and arguing with each other over who said who's wig was real or what the fuck ever can't be considered good T.V or even entertainment. I do understand plenty of people watch that crap and they enjoy it but really??!! seriously dog??!!! REAAALLLY!!?? Most of the shows are about as real as nikki minaj's butt (or her fucking hair for that matter) I know you guys love watching these shows for the drama , and you barely think about them. It's kind of like old people's legs you know they have them you never think about them, then when you see them your still grossed out by them and hypnotized by the veiney trails and lost in the forest of wrinkling skin and the next thing you know you've been staring at those gross flabby things for 15 minutes and didn't even realize it.

It's the same way with these ridiculous shows you get sucked in by the stupidity of their silly ass argument and then your wondering if those boobs are real or how much did it cost to get her lips done, or even wow this guy is really gay and he just spent 150,000 dollars on a table that maybe 15 people will see and no one will use. Then the commercial break and you come out of the fog of ridiculousness, and your thinking WTF have I been doing with my life right now, then before you know it the show is back on, and your sucked right back in niiiiccceee,  your watching "mob princesses" give up all the mob business and fight over who's man is a bigger asshole. Your watching 20 somethings with fake fashion jobs break up with fake boyfriends because they fucked their fake best friends, or your watching another super gay guy with really nice clothes (seriously is it like a law that gay people have great style and really nice jeans?) argue with an uber rich person about the type of sink in their 6th bathroom that no one will ever use.

Finally before you know it you've wasted 45 minutes of your life time that you could have been doing anything, you planned on using that time to clean your kitchen, or going to get some food, but you missed out and now you have to rush to get ready for your 2nd job just so you can pay your car note or rent. The really sad part is I'm just barely scratching the surface of the ridiculous "reality TV" shows there's about 30 of them on E. I just don't have the time, space, or energy to speak on them all. 

While your watching these fake lives of real people, who in all honesty live much better than you simply because their parents, husbands or the TV show itself gave them money. The real reality is happening all around you and it's not nearly as glamorous or pretty and, really that's OK that it's not.  All I'm saying is don't get lost in the fantasy of reality T.V. 

Lay Back Kick it, and Enjoy the Fries

I've read a few blogs like everybody, and a lot of those blogs are about personal issues and things that are
specific to their lives. I'm going to try and make my topics a bit more broad, and
generalized, so as to make sure I can still have sex after I write one of these things (cause' you
know sex is really important to me and women like to not have sex when their angry).
With that being said, me and one of my brothers from a different mother (I have about 5 of them
in case your wondering) were having one of our usual in depth deep conversations about
politics and life in general, when we came across a topic I found really intriguing; America, its service industry, and how exceptional we "believe" we are at it.

Starting with the Reagan, and the Gordon Gecko era Americans were lead to believe that we deserve the best of the best for as little as possible. Everyone is looking for the "best deal" which really if we're being honest means getting over on someone. I hate to break it to you but the game is rigged and the house always
wins. The house in this game is the major corporations making all the profits, while the losers end up
being the consumers, and the workers. Think about it; you go to walmart for some random
mundane thingy majiggy it cost you 3 dollars, you think 3 dollars what!! That's a deal then you get
your Charlie Sheen on and start doing the humpty hump & yelling "winning!!" while your on the phone with your mother and bestest bestie friend telling them about this great deal you got. Sure 3 dollars
is a great deal, but that piece of shit thingy majiggy cost 5 cents to make and will break in 2
weeks and you'll be buying another. Walmart makes 200 % (I'm guessing because I suck at math and have trouble concentrating enough to count past ten) profit off your cheap ass and of course you
just keep coming back like some sick cheap thingy majiggy crack addict. You see where
I'm going with this we as Americans are addicted to our cheap shit that last a few months at
best and we're o.k. with that BUT, (yea here comes the but) what we cant stand for is those
poor under paid under educated over worked Walmart workers to ever give us attitude or even a half smile.

We lose our cheap everlasting addict minds if anybody does not treat us like a wall street stock
broker who makes 15 billion dollars a year (yep billion with a B and there are a few who make that much annually go on and chew on that for a minute I'll wait)........Now that you
are out of your daze back to my point. We love Walmart, McDonald's (I personally love McDowell's)Kmart Target and even places like Chipotle (mmmmmm chipote mmmmaarrgggghhhh) *wipes drool* sorry went into a chipotle coma for a second there (yes I'm an addict too) but we love those places
because they give us great tasting food for under 10 dollars or usable products for super
cheap. what we hate though and here is the kicker; is bad service. Honestly though what the
fuck do you expect?!? huh!!?? seriously think about it if we are getting products for such a
small amount something has to suffer, and what in the whole wide green fuck of a world do you think
it will be? Its going to be the wages these people make to actually sell you your shit toy
sandwich in a box.I hate to break this to you but I don't know anyone that can survive on
6.75 an hour and for that amount of pay you can not expect good work from anybody.

Any person that makes 6.75 and works hard for their money is an idiot or a retard, or both(and maybe jesus but I don't think even he would work for that pittance) either way they probably wouldn't be that good at their job either. so my point is simple settle down people when your at the drive thru it's o.k. seriously your fries being slightly cold or inappropriately salted is not the end of the world trust me it's really not,(seriously it's not, well not yet anyway still waiting on what is it now october 22nd apocalypse?) your still going to get your cholesterol induced heart attack soon enough. Just because Juan, Boomquisha, or BillyBob didn't smile at you while they served you your 8 taco box for 5.50 made with 80% real meat!!! which taco bell is adamant is not sand but never denies that it could be poop (just saying), anyway you'll fucking live get over it (really though it could be poop their not denying it and I'm just gonna assume going forward that it is poop< yummm!!). Appreciate that those people only get paid to give you your food promptly and correctly. anything over that and consider it the same as you hitting 21 two hands in a row at black jack. it happens but eventually if you keep playing your gonna give that money back, because the house always wins and you sir or ma'am
are NOT the house. So fucks it (yes i said fuckS it),and just lay back kick it and enjoy the fries.

Introduction

Welp, this is my blog my thoughts my musings and my rants. Lord knows I have plenty of rants and a lot of shit to talk, so I thought well fudge it might as well put it down so the whole wide world can see. Now I'm slightly abrasive and by slightly I mean very, so if you don't like bad words or critical impolite opinions please by all means calmly and quietly leave my fucking blog immediately because this is not for the sensitive and the politically correct. I will speak on any and every topic possible, going from sports to music to politics to our god awful shitty economy yes I have a broad palette and I plan on painting all kinds of different colors and opinions all over that bitch. So if your still here enjoy and don't hesitate to comment and opinionize right along with me